CHEESE POSSESSED

Is it really possessed? I heard a story about two old soldiers who were standing in a trench in Soltau, Germany, when they noticed that the tin of compo cheese was fifteen years out of date, but they were so hungry they decided to eat it anyway. When they opened it, they decided it looked palatable, but then it tried to climb out on its own, like THE BLOB. Later, it was humanely destroyed. The two soldiers were told never to repeat the experience they’d had and were forced to sign an MOD CCF compo confidentiality form. However, later on, after a few bottles of Herforders, the story was out.

I have still got a tin of cheese possessed in my shed and I am waiting for its 100th birthday before it gets opened. I loved the stuff. There is a market for aged cheese. I could be sitting on a gold mine. There was only one tin unfortunately. But some veterans will tell you it is useful for everything apart from consumption.

Alternative Uses

Fishing bait. The fish love the stuff, especially Chubb, they’ve been known to throw themselves onto the riverbank as soon as the tin is opened.

Pest control. The mice throw themselves on the traps.

Emergency candle. Put a wick through it, light it and it will burn for days.

Boot repair. Good for fixing your boot soles. 

Leak Prevention. Good for fixing radiator leaks.

Eraser. Good for removing stubborn permanent marker ink from maps.

In the seventies, the jungle natives of Belize would risk their lives by running along the road, trying to catch discarded cans of compo cheese and other compo delights, traveling at 15 mph from the back of a departing 4 tonner full of troops leaving the jungle. Sadly, they were wiped out not long after that. Must have been something they ate.

BULLIES AND BULSHIT Warning! If easily offended, I really do advise you not to read this book. www.clivewardauthor.com

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