Here’s some of the stuff we used to live on back in the day in detail. I’ve given them an Endex rating of zero to 10. Zero=WMD.
PILCHARDS AND SARDINES
There were a few brave souls that tackled those and lived to tell the story, some didn’t make it. Usually they were dealt with straight away using High Explosives or buried. I’d hate to think how many tins there are buried in war zones and training areas around the world. ENDEX RATING… WMD
PROSSESSED CHEESE ‘CHEESE POSSESSED’
Cheese anti-tank! Good for fixing your boot soles and radiator leaks. Poke a piece of string down through the centre and you have a candle. You can even eat it, if you are brave enough.
This stuff was indestructible. I heard it had reputedly been fired down the range by Chieftain Tanks. It even refused to burn or melt, no matter what you did to it. I bet if you launched it towards the sun it wouldn’t melt. And lastly, it was against the Geneva Convention to feed it to POW’s. ENDEX RATING… 7
For me the best thing that came out of the cold war was compo sausages, putty in a tin. Also known as ET fingers, or dead man’s fingers. These sausages were usually found in the four or ten-man ration packs. What would I give for a can of these right now. Perhaps the finest culinary delight the ration packs had to offer. I’ve seen grown men fight over the last COMPO sausage at breakfast. ENDEX RATING… 10
The second best thing to come out the cold war. Just cut it into slices and fry, or if there was no time to cook it, and there usually wasn’t, it was great eaten cold on the move. ENDEX RATING… 8
Dogs go wild and start to howl for miles around when you open a can of this stuff. When eaten cold it would give you instant heartburn, and a horrible chalky, orange lardy after taste in the roof of your mouth for days. Rumour has it, it’s made from Sweeny Todd’s leftovers. ENDEX RATING… 6
STEAK AND KIDNEY PUDDING
Snake and Sydney Pudding – also known as Babies' heads. Called babies' heads because they looked like them when they came slithering out of the can. I used to love watching sprogs end up with a face full of hot boiling fat squirting into the eyes when they pierced the tin. ENDEX RATING… 9
BISCUITS AB Meaning Alternative Bread or Anal Blockage. One word, indestructible! There was always a rumour going around that they were used in early body-armour testing for ballistic resistance. Ingredients; 500mg bromide, 300mg cement, 250 mg sand and 2 spoons of gunpowder mixed with Swarfega, then cook at 550 C for 36 hours. That was a reason why they were known as the Aldershot Concrete Company. ENDEX RATING… WMD
MOCK TURTLE SOUP
Disgusting stuff, what the fuck was it? Was it supposed to mock the taste of an actual turtle? MOD took a packet of the soup for chemical warfare trials, it failed, and was banned because it was too lethal. ENDEX RATING… WMD
The crème de la crème, the Oatmeal Blocks. There were never enough of them to go around. They were the cause of many an argument if not shared fairly. Don't f*****g mess with another man’s Oatmeal, I’ve seen soldiers fight to the death for those. ENDEX RATING… 10
Proof that Satan exists. It was like eating newspaper in wallpaper paste. I couldn't stomach the stuff. The missus didn’t agree she loved the stuff. She managed to wallpaper the whole army quarter with just 6 tins.
ENDEX RATING… 5 (BECAUSE THE MISSUS LIKED IT)
THE TOILET PAPER
Where do I start? Made of grease-proof paper, I seem to remember it had Government Property printed on every sheet. Why, for f**k's sake? Were they worried someone would nick it? They shouldn’t have bothered all it was good for was tracing paper for my brats or for making roll ups when you ran out of rizlas.
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